To be honest, I've felt really let down by the painkillers that I've been given by the hospital.
I mean, they've done their job, sure, but at no point did I feel like I was experiencing either the 60s, Trainspotting or the bit in The Simpsons when Homer licks the toad.
I did only get a mixture of paracetamol and Oramorph though. The oral morphine did manage to live up to one of its renowned traits, it bunged me up like a cork.
As I write this, at 2pm on Monday 13 August, I am five minutes past passing my first stool since last Wednesday morning. Scary stuff for a man as regular as an Omega watch and with double the product placement.
I've been taking laxatives, eating poo-friendly food and downing fruits and juices like they were foods and liquids.
At last, the time came. (Please note, the video below, despite it's position in the narrative, is not of me visiting the loo.)
I'm not sure what the hospital's health and safety people would have to say about it, but my technique consisted of squatting backwards on the toilet and aiming my bum at the water, resembling a Sunday morning pub-team player struggling to put a corner flag in.
It was like shitting out a BMX handlebar.
Whilst I was enduring this torture - and it really was torturous, considering that any type of straining makes me feel as though my brain is going to burst out of my skull - I had the bizarre thought that it was like trying to poo out your granddad's fingers.
Anyway, mission accomplished, I came outside and it seemed that my writer's block had ended too. It never ceases to surprise me how much a good shit can churn the thoughts.
Shitting out your granddad's fingers. I'm a genius.
I mean, they've done their job, sure, but at no point did I feel like I was experiencing either the 60s, Trainspotting or the bit in The Simpsons when Homer licks the toad.
I did only get a mixture of paracetamol and Oramorph though. The oral morphine did manage to live up to one of its renowned traits, it bunged me up like a cork.
As I write this, at 2pm on Monday 13 August, I am five minutes past passing my first stool since last Wednesday morning. Scary stuff for a man as regular as an Omega watch and with double the product placement.
I've been taking laxatives, eating poo-friendly food and downing fruits and juices like they were foods and liquids.
At last, the time came. (Please note, the video below, despite it's position in the narrative, is not of me visiting the loo.)
I'm not sure what the hospital's health and safety people would have to say about it, but my technique consisted of squatting backwards on the toilet and aiming my bum at the water, resembling a Sunday morning pub-team player struggling to put a corner flag in.
It was like shitting out a BMX handlebar.
Whilst I was enduring this torture - and it really was torturous, considering that any type of straining makes me feel as though my brain is going to burst out of my skull - I had the bizarre thought that it was like trying to poo out your granddad's fingers.
Anyway, mission accomplished, I came outside and it seemed that my writer's block had ended too. It never ceases to surprise me how much a good shit can churn the thoughts.
Shitting out your granddad's fingers. I'm a genius.
Oh I pissed myself laughing reading your blog. I had spine surgery in 2011 and had a similar thing happen. Now I have a brain tumour. Happy days.
ReplyDeleteWotcha Karen,
ReplyDeleteGlad that you enjoyed reading the blog, and sorry to hear of your health woes.
Hope that you're on the mend and that this blog can cheer you up in the future.
I'm going to my own 30th birthday party tonight - stay optimistic and above all keep pissing yourself. Metaphorically.
Take it easy Karen, peace be the journey x
Hi Ya, I wrote the comment above and have now had surgery. I went one better than you and didn't go for 10 days !!! it was like shitting out your Granddads entire hand. That was after 3 enemas !! I just sent your blog post to my tumour twin having her op next week, she said she laughed so much. I had warned her to pack something for the problem. LOL
ReplyDeleteWotcha Karen, sorry it's taken me so long to reply - I haven't had a look at this for more than a year. I need to do an update actually, if I can pull my granddad's finger out...
DeleteI hope you and your buddy are all well mate, take it easy